Thoughts On Jury Duty

Just a few time saving ideas I gleaned today from carefully observing my potential fellow jurors. I hope you find them helpful the next time you are called to serve your civic duty:

(1) Bring nail clippers. This brilliant idea hadn't occurred to me beforehand, but the man sitting across from me had a clearer mind. He was able to get all ten fingers neat and trimmed in the down time between our check-in and the video presentation about juror pride. And as the human fingernail is biodegradable, he was easily able to dispose of his clippings by brushing them off the chair arm and onto the floor to eventually become one with the dust bunnies and be reborn as lint. I believe he was called to a courtroom after that, or else he might have been able to fit in a pedicure as well.

(2) Don't bother getting dressed. Pajamas (or, if you're really fancy, sweatpants and a sweatshirt) are the uniform of the potential juror. A stocking cap with crazy pieces of hair escaping from under the knit is optional, but encouraged. Today I foolishly wore a collared shirt and brushed my hair, and, boy, did I ever stick out.

(3) Carry at least three large novels, more (up to five) if you can manage. Move the stack with you from one waiting room to another and to the courtroom when jury selection begins. Don't worry about reading them. Ever. Just move them around with you all day. This way you get a small workout even though you're not able to be at the gym.

(4) Review your medical files prior to showing-up. This way you'll be prepared to talk in detail about vitamin regimens, which prescriptions you are taking, stints, all of your hospital stays, and your future planned surgeries to the person sitting next to you in the waiting room. Speak loudly so everyone in the room can hear you; that way you don't have to repeat yourself if the person sitting next to you moves seats and someone else sits next to you.

(5) Bring a pair of scissors. This way you'll get extra attention at the security check-in, will be able to learn the guards' names, and can easily say, "Hi John. Hi Steve. I'm back to pick up my scissors," when it's time to leave for the day. This saves time because there won't be a need to look at the name badges to say your polite goodbyes.

And finally,

(6) When council asks you questions about whether you can consider someone innocent until proven otherwise, say things like, "I can try, but I'm only human," and "If a case escalates as far as a trial, it's pretty obvious that the defendant must be guilty." This will save you spending any time on the actual jury itself.